Looking back at 2020:
JANUARY
Dodgers’ marketing department meets to determine a 2020 slogan, briefly considers, “Oh, What’s The Use?”
UCLA hires former presidential candidate Andrew Yang, who offers $1,000 a month to anyone who walks into Pauley Pavilion.
Clemson wins its third national championship in four years, and CBS’ Scott Pelley interviews Dabo Swinney on “180 Minutes.”
FEBRUARY
The Los Angeles Wildcats open their first XFL season in front of 25,000 Pittsburgh Steelers fans at Dignity Health Sports Park.
According to CompuBox statistics, Tyson Fury lands 215 jabs, 85 body punches, two Wet Willies and five chop blocks in his unanimous decision over Deontay Wilder.
Chiefs beat Packers, 27-17, in a rematch of the first Super Bowl, and Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, 81, gets his revenge with two interceptions.
MARCH
According to ESPN Stats and Information, Luca Doncic becomes the first Texas-based player in NBA history to score 48 points with seven rebounds while playing 32 to 35 minutes and committing fewer than two traveling violations after halftime during Lent.
The new metrics department at LAFC renames its supporters group the “3252.00.”
The Players Association refuses the Angels’ request to pay their pitchers by the out.
APRIL
LSU coach Ed Orgeron is invited to announce the first pick of the NFL draft. Shortly afterward, quarterback Jaburra signs with the Cinnatuh Bongahs.
Patrick Reed attempts to leave the Tuesday night Champions Dinner with two extra sausage biscuits stuffed into his green jacket, is disqualified from the Masters.
Sierra Canyon’s basketball fathers set an all-time, any-sport Father-Sons Game record for margin of victory, before 75,000 in the L.A. Coliseum and a pay-per-view audience of 5 million.
MAY
Load Management, owned by Kawhi Leonard, wins the Kentucky Derby, appears in the winner’s circle 90 minutes later, is doubtful for Preakness.
Ex-Houston Astros general manager Jeff Luhnow becomes CIA director, equips Korean spies with trashcans and bats.
NBA replay officials find no “conclusive evidence” that the Lakers lost Game 7 to Denver by 23 points, setting up a Lakers-Clippers Western Conference Final.
JUNE
The New Jersey Devils complete an amazing comeback, and new coach Mike Babcock asks his players which names they would leave off the Stanley Cup.
Brooks Koepka throws Bryson DeChambeau’s clubs into a pond, along with DeChambeau, and wins his third U.S. Open in a playoff.
Patrick Beverley commandeers a flatbed truck during the Clippers’ championship parade, crashes it into a Blaze Pizza restaurant.
JULY
Roger Federer holds off Roger Federer Jr. 7-5, 7-5, 5-7, 5-7, 7-5 to win his ninth Wimbledon.
Anthony Rendon declines to play in the All-Star Game at Dodger Stadium, voicing concerns about the “Echo Park lifestyle.”
On the first day of Rams’ training camp, Todd Gurley introduces himself to Sean McVay.
AUGUST
SoFi Stadium is abruptly converted into a new Uber reception for LAX passengers, forcing the Rams and Chargers to move to San Diego.
Honeywell postpones its plans to develop an MLB umpire because the robot refuses to gain 50 pounds.
To equalize the swimming competition, IOC officials force Katie Ledecky to swim from the U.S. to Tokyo.
SEPTEMBER
The newly formed nation of RichPaulia wins its first Olympic men’s basketball gold medal, with LeBron James assisting Kentavious Caldwell-Pope for the game-winner over Spain.
To save time, USC quarterback Kedon Slovis enters the concussion protocol before the Alabama game.
The Europeans come to Wisconsin, win the Ryder Cup by an 18-9 margin, impose Greenwich Mean Time and reinstall the Stamp Act.
OCTOBER
The CIF Southern Section puts its foot down, forbids Trinity League players to transfer at halftime.
Errol Spence Jr. makes the 147-pound weight limit by handing over his car keys, scores a decision over Terence Crawford.
A Rose Bowl crowd of 30,000 watches UCLA’s gymnastics team in an exhibition, and several hundred stick around to watch the 1-6 football team continue its rebuild with a narrow loss to Arizona State.
NOVEMBER
After leading the league in slugging and home runs on the way to a 70-92 record, Mike Trout wins his fourth Most Victimized Player award.
Giannis Antetokoumpo’s 30 points and 15 rebounds lead the Lakers to a season-opening 147-91 win over Sacramento, justifying the trade that sent 30 first-round picks and Rob Pelinka’s FitBit to Milwaukee.
Forest Lawn and Santa Anita announce a 20-year merger and branding agreement.
DECEMBER
Concerned about their fans’ attention span, the National Finals Rodeo reduces the bull riding time to six seconds.
Shoot, there’s nothing personal behind Philip Rivers’ three dad-gum touchdown passes in Jacksonville’s 44-21 win over the Chargers.
Frustrated over the Dodgers’ reluctance to give Cody Bellinger a new contract, Scott Boras buys them.
